


If Only...

by x2XLyricsX2x



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Death, Funeral, M/M, Sad, Supernatural - Freeform, Unhappy Ending, lilo, lilo paynlinson - Freeform, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 16:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5633908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x2XLyricsX2x/pseuds/x2XLyricsX2x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson had always hated funerals. He thought they were an unnecessary waste of time and money, a scam really, thought up by a big corporation to play with the emotions of those grieving in order to make money. He had thought it was all a bit ridiculous at one point, but now... Now he saw the importance of them. Now he felt the sting of loss in his chest and now he understood the need for mutual friends and family to gather here in front of an expensive coffin surrounded by expensive flowers.<br/>Now, standing here, thinking of him, Louis couldn't help but wonder, if only...</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only...

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a sad short little idea that came to me and I wrote in one sitting in a short amount of time... I'm sorry. (I have posted this on Wattpad as well, same title, same username.)

Louis Tomlinson stood at the back of the crowd, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jean jacket, his head ducked as he listened to the words of the minister being spoken from the front of the crowd. It was a cloudy day, the sun nowhere to be found but he supposed it was fitting because it wasn't a very happy day. All around him were people he cared about, people he loved. There were also people he had only just met and people he hadn't talked to in years, people he's only met a pub one night or from school all those years ago. They all stood here, jackets pulled tight around them from the cold breeze, umbrella's clenched in their fists in case it rained, which was totally possible with the loud boom of thunder that sounded off in the distance.

Louis has always hated funerals. He thought they were an unnecessary waste of time and money, a scam really. He thought it was just some plan made up by some big corporation in order to make money. Like, sure, play with the emotions of people who were suffering, make them dish out a ridiculous amount of money on a fancy box and a carved out rock for someone who would never know about it because they were dead. It was brilliant, really. Everyone was cared for more deeply when they were six feet under and just a memory now, so people were willing to spend large amounts of money to prove they cared, to show that their friend or family member would be missed. Louis had thought it was all ridiculous at one point, but now... Now he saw the importance of them. Now he felt the sting of loss in his chest and now he understood the need for mutual friends and family to gather here in front of an expensive coffin and expensive flowers.

They were all here for one reason, one mutual reason. They all lost someone dear to them, someone that had meant a lot to them; a beloved brother, a cherished son, a treasured friend. They were all here to grieve together over someone they cared deeply for, to mourn their loss and provide support to others mourning that same loss. They were there to celebrate the life of a mutual friend, show their respect, and finally say goodbye.

In the crowd women were crying into their hands, a crumpled tissue in their hands, having been crumpled beyond its use. Men stood with their hands joined in front of them, a few with teary eyes trying desperately not to let them fall, all of them dressed in the classic black. At the front Louis could see familiar heads of hair all in a row, all clinging to one another in support, all of them his friends. Well, _were_ his friends. Louis wasn't sure if he could call them that anymore, this was all his fault after all. That's why Louis stood at the back of the crowd instead of up where his friends were. He couldn't face them. He couldn't stand to see the grief in their eyes or the tears staining their cheeks.

He wouldn't be able to face the blue eyes of Niall, all red rimmed from tears and rubbing them, the disappointment that would be there because Niall had always looked up to Louis. He always thought Louis was this great person, a person that was always there for him, always teaching him about life, and could never make a mistake in his eyes; almost like an older brother to the young blonde, but then Louis made a mistake. A big mistake, probably the biggest mistake of all and he was almost positive Niall didn't see him that way anymore.

He couldn't imagine looking at Harry right now. Harry would be heartbroken over the loss of his closest mate. His eyes that were usually so green and so bright would be dull and lifeless, filled with silent tears that would fall down his cheeks. He wouldn't be mad at Louis, not really because that's not how Harry worked. But Louis wanted the curly haired lad to be mad. He should be, Louis deserved Harry's wrath.

He even deserved Zayn's wrath, even when they were never that close. In fact, Louis thought Zayn had the most justified reason to be angry with him because Liam was like a brother to him and Louis had hurt Liam. He had hurt Liam in the worst way possible and now he stood in a cemetery at a funeral that shouldn't have had to happen. Not to someone so young and full of life. It's Louis' fault, he knew that and accepts full responsibility. It's his fault these people are gathered here. It's his fault they've lost someone so dear to them. It's his fault all these people were hurting. If he could, he'd go back and redo that night.

He would give anything to redo that night, not for him, not because he missed Liam so much, not so he could call his friends friends again, but for him, for Liam. And not only Liam but his friends so they wouldn't have to go through this. So he'd never have to see them hurting again, not like this, not because of him.

He remembers that night like it was yesterday, but he supposes it was only about a week ago so it shouldn't be hard to remember. He remembers everyone being a little too drunk. He remembers when the fight started and how quickly it escalated. He remembers shouting things he now regrets, and hearing things being shouted that still hurt. He remembers Harry trying to be the voice of reason, Niall sitting quietly off to the side trying to block it all out, and Zayn going to Liam's defense. He remembers the hurt and frustration in Liam's brown eyes. He remembers knowing it was coming, this fight. They couldn't go on ignoring their feelings for each other forever. He remembers thinking it was bound to happen. He doesn't remember thinking it would end like _this_.

He never saw _this_ coming. Maybe he should have, but he never really thought about it. Now he did though. Now he thought about it, about him. About Liam. He thought that maybe if he had listened to Harry and gone into the other room to calm down, this wouldn't have happened. He thought that maybe if he had just been honest with Liam, told him how he felt, this wouldn't of happened. If he hadn't yelled at Liam, if he hadn't started the whole argument over something that was supposed to be a _joke_ , no one would have stormed out of the room. No one would have driven a car while drunk just to get away, and no one would have died. If only he had controlled himself, if only he had not said the things he did, they could have been sitting on a couch right now, watching a movie and cuddling with their newfound feelings out in the open and the promise of a long relationship hanging around them. If only he hadn't been an idiot.

But he was, so here they stood, the minister saying his final words as they lowered the coffin into the ground, a particularly loud sob coming from his right. Soon the crowd was dispersing, walking off with their heads hung, some of them being supported by loved ones, some refusing to be touched at all by another. Louis stayed where he was, watching the crowd of familiar faces go, all of them too wrapped up in their grief to notice anything around them. He watched Harry start to pull Niall away, the blonde putting up a fight at first but then giving in with a few whispered words from the curly haired lad. Niall turned, his face soaked in tears and buried his face in Harry's chest as Harry lead him away, tears of his own coating his cheeks. Neither of them spared Louis a glance, of course they didn't, why would they?

Zayn stayed behind to comfort a dark haired man that was leaning on him, Zayn seeming to be the only thing holding this man upright. It should have looked wrong because Zayn was smaller framed and thinner whereas this man was taller and broader shouldered, but it didn't. This man looked absolutely broken, like he might crumble if Zayn weren't there to hold him up. Even though Louis stood several feet away he could hear this man crying, quiet sobs and muffled sniffles coming from him that hit Louis like a freight train. Those sobs were his fault. How could he have been so stupid? Why couldn't he have just listened to Harry? If only he had listened to Harry.

"We should go." Zayn said softly, pulling on the man's arm. The man shook his head stubbornly, pulling his arm free from Zayn's grasp and standing tall, obviously trying to hold himself together on his own. "It's starting to rain." He explained gently, and it was. Louis hadn't noticed before, too wrapped up in his grief to see the rain drops falling in front of his face.

"I don't care." The man said, his voice sounding quite honestly broken. It was a voice that had Louis' heart aching, aching so much it almost made he him fall to the ground in pain. It shouldn't hurt like this, how can it hurt this much?

"We'll catch a cold." Was Zayn's response, sounding as if he thought he'd give it one more try but like he didn't expect it to work.

"Go." The man said. "I want to be alone with him." Zayn hesitated but only for a moment before giving the man one last comforting squeeze on the arm and leaving him there. Louis went unnoticed by Zayn as he trudged away, giving his friend one last worried look over his shoulder before beginning to jog away to get out of the rain, leaving this man alone with Louis standing behind him, unknown to the man. The rain was picking up, hitting the other tombstones and splashing off, filling the air with a static-like noise, but the man didn't seem to notice. He just stood there, staring at the coffin in the ground like he was hoping this was all some kind of sick joke, like he was hoping the coffin would open and the body inside would still be alive.

"I'm sorry." The man said, his voice a distant ache in Louis' chest. Louis couldn't take his eyes off the man because this man was no stranger to Louis. This man was kind smiles even when Louis was being a right twat. This man was gentle touches when Louis forgot where he was and got to be too loud. This man was knowing looks when Louis claimed to be perfectly fine but actually wasn't. He was soft whispers in the dark when they shared that one night in the same bed, not touching in anyway but being the most intimate Louis had ever been with another. He was warm coffee brown eyes that saw Louis for who he was and not who he pretended to be. This man was everything to Louis.

"I'm so sorry, fuck." The man sobbed and Louis couldn't just stand there any longer as the man bowed his head. Louis took a few cautious steps forward, reaching out to the man and ready to apologize for his mistake but then the man was talking again, making Louis freeze a foot away from him. "I shouldn't have said any of that. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wanted to apologize the minute you left, but you were already gone. I wanted to tell you I love you, I wanted to tell you I've been in love with you for years, but it's too late." The man said, his voice trembling and his body shaking with every word. Louis felt like maybe he shouldn't be here, maybe he should leave this man because this was obviously a private moment but at the same time, he felt as though he was supposed to hear this. Maybe this would offer him some kind of closure and help him move on.

"I know we had our fights, I know we both did things we shouldn't have and I'm sorry for that." The man went on and now Louis wanted to apologize. He wanted to apologize to his friends, to Liam, to everyone, about the things he said. He wanted them to know how sorry he was. "I wish I could tell you that in person. I wish you were still here, with me. Fuck, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." Louis said quietly, going ignored by the man.

"I'm never going to get to tell you that."

"I'm sorry." Louis repeated louder, stepping up beside the man, needing him to hear this.

"I'm never going to get to tell you I love you."

"I'm sorry." Louis said even louder, his words going unheard, his heart feeling like someone was gripping it in their hands and squeezing tight. Tears of frustration sprung to his eyes, hot and burning, because this shouldn't be that hard, it shouldn't hurt this much.

"I love you, and I'm sorry." The man said, taking a deep breath as he wiped his face even though the rain that mixed with his tears returned to his face immediately. The man took a step back, his head ducked again until he was turning away from the grave and walking away. Louis starred after him because he hadn't heard him. Louis needed him to hear his apology, he needed him to know that he loved him too.

"Liam!" Louis shouted out of anger and frustration, out of love and desperation. His voice rang through the field, his tears falling from his eyes and down his cheeks, and his breath catching in his throat when the man turned around, eyes wide and searching as if he had heard someone call out to him. For a minute Louis thought he might actually be able to see Louis but the hurt and confused look on his face said otherwise. It seemed as though Liam was looking right at him and it seemed like he _had_ heard him, somehow, some way, so Louis jumped at the chance. "I'm sorry, too! I'm so sorry! I love you, too!" Louis shouted into the rain, his eyes locked onto the brown of Liam's but Liam didn't reply. It didn't even looked like he had heard him that time because now he was shaking his head, wiping at his red rimmed eyes and turning back around, leaving Louis standing in the rain, unable to be heard.

It shouldn't hurt this much, Louis thought. It shouldn't hurt this much, he shouldn't be able to feel anything. He couldn't feel the rain or the cold wind. He couldn't feel the wet grass under his bare feet so why could he feel his heart breaking? Louis fell to his knees, hands still stuffed in his pockets, tears running down his face as he sobbed with no one to hear him. When he looked up he read the markings carved into the grave stone and wondered, if only...

_In loving memory,_  
**_Louis William Tomlinson_ **  
_December 1991 - March 2019_  
_To live in the hearts of those we love is not to die._

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think and if you liked it, I know it's sad... but let me know anyway, love hearing what people think! (And Kudos are appreciated :D )


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